Home > Ex-Boyfriend, yoga > Crash and Breathe

Crash and Breathe

I fell on my head in yoga class on Friday.

I was attempting my first yoga handstand. I was asked to face a wall on hands and knees. I kicked one leg up and the other one was supposed to go with it. Instead my arms gave out and my head came crashing into the wall first and then the wood floor. I think I sent my yoga teacher into five-seconds worth of cardiac arrest.

The shock of failing so miserably at something I was confident I could do took my breath away. When I was describing the event to my roommate, I discovered it was a very similar feeling to when I have failed in other aspects of  life.

I failed my relationship. I remember clearly the moment when the failure hit. My boyfriend and I were at dinner at a local Mexican restaurant. My chest tightened and I had to remember to breathe. In the days previous I had a feeling the end might be near, but when the failure hit, it felt like being dropped on my head.

I failed again with this blog. I didn’t want my ex-boyfriend to find it. I knew if the situation had been reveresed, I would have been heart broken to see him writing about online dating and places to meet girls. I blocked him from my Twitter feed so he wouldn’t have to see tweets about my blog. I didn’t send an email out to our friends about it, just in case, and I didn’t post the link on Facebook.

So when I found out last night from a mutual friend that my ex stumbled upon Lady & Her Boys Club, I felt like I had tumbled onto the floor all over again.

My ex has always been more emotionally stable than me. And he will have the willpower to not regularly check for updates. He may not even care. But on the chance that he does, I’m sorry I hurt him.

Part of the journey is failure. The wisdom-givers drill that in from a young age. They also say it’s important to learn from failure, and to not let the chance of failing make you hold back.

I couldn’t save my relationship. I couldn’t figure out the right equation to make it work for both of us anymore. So I had to accept defeat.

I couldn’t stop my ex from seeing that I was making a very public attempt at moving on. I hope he accepts my apology, but that’s all I can do.

I couldn’t prevent gravity from winning out when it came to my first attempt at standing on my hands since I was 10. I went back to yoga class today anyways. And next week maybe I’ll give the hand stand another try.

Sometimes the build-up to a crash is long and happens in slow motion, sometimes it happens in the blink of an eye. It always takes my breath away. But it also reminds me I’m still breathing.

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Categories: Ex-Boyfriend, yoga
  1. cindy
    August 17, 2009 at 10:01 am

    good for you for trying the headstand. it takes courage to put yourself in difficult positions, and even if it you don’t master it immediately — one day you’ll find yourself standing tall again.

    • lady&herboysclub
      August 22, 2009 at 5:37 pm

      And then some day I’ll be “bendy” like you!

  2. August 17, 2009 at 6:14 pm

    It is difficult to write about the deeply personal, even more difficult to do so when you know that an ex is reading. Good luck with finding the balance that is comfortable for you.

    • lady&herboysclub
      August 22, 2009 at 5:37 pm

      Thank you so very much. I think good luck is exactly what I need.

  3. Sebastian
    August 22, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    CFox,

    Great BLOG!!! from a guy who could care less about meeting decent guys in DC… I still can’t stop reading! Good luck

    • lady&herboysclub
      August 22, 2009 at 5:39 pm

      Thanks Sebastian. If you know of any single girls in DC who need to meet decent guys, now you know where to tell them to go! Although verdict is still out on if those are truly the best places. I’m doing a little more research.

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